Girl With a Purpose (GWAP)

Should Love Hurt?

Many are under the impression that once you love someone, that you will get hurt in the process.

That once you open up your heart, you open up yourself to potential abuse by your love interest (lovee).

Well, I'd say that's partly true, as people (including your lovee) surely have the capability of consciously and unconsciously hurting you.

Someone who loves him/herself, though, should understand that love is as much a heart exercise as it is a head exercise.

Yes, you love with your heart, but you must also use your head :).

It is important to take a status check of your potential relationship before you actually allow yourself to fall head-over-heels in love with someone.

The following are warning signs that you will most likely be hurt:

1) When you feel yourself being propelled to drop your defenses for someone you've known for less than four (4) months, you must be aware that you're heading for dangerous waters, because your reference to anything concerning this person is still very new and probably not tested.

2) Anyone who is not willing to have a friendship with you, prior to having a relationship, is not worth having.

Let me repeat...

Anyone who is not willing to have a friendship with you, prior to having a relationship, is not worth having.

Why do I say this?

Because friendship gets to the root of who a person is.

It tells you if the person can commit to a relationship and how he/she views him/herself. It reveals if the person is responsible, trustworthy, can have respect for someone else and his/her feelings, is able to share (his life) with somoene else.

It also demonstrates if the person is honest and sincere and able to allow their friends to be who they are and still love them, faults and all.

If your potential lovee can't be a friend, then he can't be your boyfriend, as the relationship will not have the sturdy foundation of friendship to stand on.

3) Your potential lover's interest level in his exes, is extra-ordinarily high:

Does his last or previous girlfriend call him often? This could be a sign that either one of them or both of them, still have an interest in each other. It could also mean that they are just friends...but you have to verify this.

You can do this by:

a) Inviting them both out to see how they act around each other.

b) Listening closely to your conversations...does he talk about her often?

c) Observing him:

E.g. does he hide, move away from you, or lock the door when speaking with her?

(Seemingly to him) on the spur of the moment, ask him about her and observe his reaction(s): does he fumble, stammer, blush or become defensive? (Mind you, some men are very suave and will not even blink when lying to you about their exes :)).

Watch his actions and his reactions carefully, to determine if they're still  involved.

If they are, run like crazy unless you want to be involved in a three-some.

4) Your potential lovee is a homosexual or bisexual male.

Don't get involved with a homosexual or bisexual male.

No matter how much a homosexual male may think he's in love with you, you ought to know otherwise. A man who is a practising homosexual, likes being a homosexual, no matter how conflicted he may feel about it.

Don't get fooled into believing that, all of a sudden, you've converted him to being "straight".

This seldom occurs and you'd be well-advised to stay away from this man, if you want to keep your sanity :).

5) Your potential lovee lies.

Liars are very good at it and often tell several, to cover up the original lie.

If you like being lied to, then by all means go ahead with the relationship...you'll receive lots of it.

But please remember that lying and deception are very good bedfellows...be prepared for both, if one is present.

So, should love hurt?

The short answer is no...if it does, then it's time for you to get out of the (potential) relationship. Try to find someone who'll love and cherish you and won't take pleasure in hurting you.

So, what do you think? ...Should love hurt?

Happy Thanksgiving!

I just want to say Happy Thanksgiving to all our US friends!

We indeed have a lot to give thanks for...life, health, family, friends, jobs, fresh air, the rustling of the wind through the leaves, the ability to get out of bed in the mornings, etc.

For those of us who may have lost a loved one recently...I just want to say that we sympathize with you during this very troubling period in your life and promise to listen and lend great support to you when you need to just vent, cry or release :).

For those of us who may be spending Thanksgiving alone, I just want to say that this is ok...

There are times in our lives when our journey will be solo.

The greatest gift that we can give to ourselves is to truly appreciate who we are and to try to spend "our alone time" understanding ourselves and trying to improve. It is also a time when we should reflect on all our relationships and see how we can improve the lives of those around us:).

Thinking about, and uplifting others, is the greatest healer of loneliness :).

Gillian

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Taking "the Edge off" Safely

You've had a rough day...

You just want to get home and relax, right?

Well, when you do get home, how do you relax?...how do you take the "edge off"(wind down/(calm yourself down)/release)?

Well for me, I head straight for the fruit basket and get a banana; it's a mini-filler until I've cooked/heated up dinner.

Then I drink some grape juice - this works especially well, when I've made a really stupid mistake and I just want to forget it.

(For me, this is much safer than alcohol, a favorite "edge off remedy" for some :)).

Then I start dinner, tune mentally into my favorite radio station and play a game or two of Internet Spades, while keeping an eye on dinner.

Then I eat, sit back and listen to the evening Radio Talk Shows we have here in Jamaica. This helps me to relax some more and then puts me in the frame of mind to think over my day and the events that led up to my making the mistake.

I then examine how I could have done things differently.

Then I practice doing the right thing - so that my brain gets attuned to it.

This helps to lessen the 'smart' (sting) from the mistake and puts me in the frame of mind of, 'what to do next'.

Seldom do I beat myself up over a mistake. Most mistakes are not life threatening, so I bear this in mind when I've made them :).

Additionally, I've learnt over the years to take mistakes in stride  (although they still smart :)) and try to use every mistake as an opportunity to learn something new about myself, life and how I react to new situations.

For me, this is much safer than getting in a car and driving at 100 miles per hour or doing something I'll regret later :).

My method keeps my mind clear - not fuzzed up by alchohol (or any other mind-altering substance), so that I can prepare to meet the next day ahead (relaxed and with few hangups:)).

So, how do you take the "edge off" ?

Do you think that this is necessary?

I'd love to hear your thoughts :).

Gillian

Dump Him or Keep Him?

Aaaaah...the throes of love.

You've known this guy for six months.

He has great qualities, like being honest, sincere, dependable and committed...character traits that you'd want to have in the person you'd like to spend the rest of your life with, right?

But, he also has some irritating personality traits that you can't overlook.

Like his insistence on burping loudly and for endless seconds at the most inappropriate times...

Table manners that would make a pig seem princely...

And awful social skills.

Hmmh!?!...

You've spoken with him about these habits, how it really upsets you when you're around him and he displays himself in a manner that would make a pig blush.

How displaying himself in such a manner could be a possible turn-off for those who'd want to get to know him better and how it could prevent him from having a fulfilling social life.

But he tells you he can't change....that, that's just the way  he is and if you want to have a long-term relationship with him, then you will just have to accept him as he is...

Hmmh!

Well you have an important decision to make...

Should you dump him or keep him?

After all, you've known this guy for six months; have invested your time, emotions and energy in this relationship.

And he has great qualities...surely he's a keeper (you should keep him)....

But then you remember those awful character traits...the ones that just make you want to pull your hair out and scream.

And you're in a dilemma... Keep him or dump him?

So how do you resolve this?

Well, you have to make an assessment of his good versus bad traits and whether or not you can tolerate the bad.

Get a piece of paper or use a Word processor like Microsoft Word, where you can list his bad traits versus his good ones.

Draw a vertical line down the middle of the paper . If using Word, create a two-column table. Make a heading on the left, entitled "bad traits" and one entitled, "good traits" on the right hand side of the paper/document.

Write all his bad traits on the left hand side and his good ones on the right hand side.

Which side is longer (has more traits listed)?

This is the first indication of whether or not he's a potential keeper.

[If the good traits outweigh the bad, then he's a potential keeper. If it's the opposite, then he's a potential dumpee (to be dumped)].

Then you have to project this relationship into the next 3-5 years... and ask yourself..."what will my life be with this person, 3-5 years from now?....will this person change for the better or for the worst?"

Ask, "How will his character traits affect our children (negatively and/or positively), should we have any?"

Please bear in mind that character traits and habits have been ingrained and nurtured in all of us from childhood to adulthood, and are very difficult to break.

The man you see now, is the same man you'll see in your future.

His attitudes now, will be the same ones you'll face in the future.

Please note his unwillingness to even look into himself, and see that something is wrong with his behaviour or see how his behaviour is negatively affecting you.

This shows a lack of concern for your feelings and an inability to truly search his own soul.

So, should you keep him or dump him?

Well, that's up to you.

If the positives outweigh the negatives, then he's a keeper.

If not, he's a dumpee.

What do you think?

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Do Unto Others As You'd Have Them Do Unto You

Serious thing...

This quote is so profound that I had to make it our thought for the week.

A lot of times, we say and do things to other people, that had those things been said and done to us, we would have been so embarrassed and experienced so much pain,that we would have found the nearest hole to hide ourselves in.

Example:

I was driving on a narrow piece of road this afternoon, so narrow that barely three(3) cars, abreast, could hold on it.

A driver had double parked in order to talk to his friend.

So I tooted my horn, indicating that he should move down so that I could pass him. His first reaction was to cuss me, saying that I must be driving a truck not to be able to pass him.

So when I passed him, slowly, in order not to hit his car nor the other car, I just had to let him know that as Jamaicans we can be so inconsiderate at times...inconveniencing everyone so that we could talk to our friends.

Both he and his friend looked at me in astonishment. Maybe they expected me to return cuss words to them or maybe they thought that  what he was doing was such the norm, that, I was crazy to have chastised them.

Well, whatever the reason was, the entire incident just proves to me, what I have observed happening to Jamaicans over the past ten (10) years...

Our care and consideration for each other have been dying quickly. This lapse in humanity has so permeated our beings that its has been transferred to the way in which we drive.

Sadly, this man is typical of 80% of Jamaican drivers, both male and female. Most Jamaican drivers are inconsiderate.

We see it displayed in the carnage on our roads, caused by drivers who should have reached their destination, yesterday. In their haste, they usually maul down at least two(2) people, while getting away with only scratches.

Maybe if we truly tried walking in each others' shoes, then this nation would start to heal.

Maybe if we could feel each others' pain, then we wouldn't be so cruel to each other.

Hmmh!!?

When will we learn that inconveniencing someone else, isn't cool?...

When?