How to Choose Your First Boyfriend so as to Reduce Heartbreak

This is a continuation of our discussion on "Firsts"...please enjoy! :)

 

So you have a crush on a guy...you like him.

 

You like the way he laughs, his wit or his intelligence, the way his dimples sink in when he smiles, his caring ways, his shy ways, his voice, his eyes, etc.

 

In general, you've got a great feeling about him and you're on "cloud 9" (very happy).

 

You make it your point of duty to be around or near him, so that he'll notice you and if he does, well, oh my goodness, it's like heaven on earth!

 

So what do you do?

 

Well you say "hi, how are you?" and immediately start the "getting to know you" conversation, e.g.  you start talking about things you may have in common like the same class, how he's coping with it, homework, what he thinks of the teacher, etc.

 

And you're just beaming :)...You've just started the ball-a-rolling and you're officially in the crush stage... and you immediately start fantasizing about him, about kissing him, about being seen with him, etc., you know what I'm talking about! :).

 

Well, before you start fantasizing about wedding bells...may I suggest something?...hold on to your brakes!!!! :).

 

While I understand that things are going well for you...you need to ask yourself some very important questions.

 

1) What do you know about this guy?...

 

2) How long have you known him?

 

3) How does he treat his friends?...

 

4) How did/does he treat his former girlfriends?...

 

5) What "type" of girl does he like?...are you his "type"?

 

6) Is he the type of guy who has 2-6 girlfriends at the same time or is he monogamous(meaning, he believes in only having one girlfriend for a period of time)?

 

7) Does he currently have a girlfriend?...has he fathered any children?

 

8) Has any of his former girlfriends had to do an abortion of his child?

 

9) Is he straight or gay?

 

If you don't know the answers to these questions, then it would be wise for you to get to know this guy, a whole lot better.

 

Some of us, as older women have made huge mistakes in the boyfriend and husband department, by choosing these men based on crushes (we fall in love with them before getting to know them properly), money (they have lots of it), sex (they're good in bed) or fame (they're well-known or recognized).

 

I want to steer you, our younger women, away from making terrible choices that could be detrimental (harmful) to your emotional health and well-being.

 

Here's how:

 

1) Like it or not, how a guy treats his friends, especially his female friends, is a good indication of how he'll treat you.

 

So, observe him carefully when he says or shows that he's interested in a friendship with you!

 

2) How a guy treats his mother or his sister, is a great indication of how he'll treat you...

 

If he has "mommy issues" (issues with his mother), it's your duty to find out why and what he's doing to resolve this (you'll have to do this, over time, when he's more comfortable opening up to you)...

 

Why?

 

Because he's going to act out these issues in your relationship.

 

3) Find out if he's fathered children...as, when you eventually marry him, the money will be split between your family (you, him and your children) and his other families (if he's a responsible person)...so you'll want to bear this in mind.

 

Additionally, you don't want to get involved with a guy with two(2) or more baby mothers...it's an indication that he's careless and these careless ways may have remained with him...you've got to know him very well, for him to prove that he's left that way of life, behind.

 

4) Forget guys who aren't monogamous (who have more than one girlfriend at a time), they're frankly a waste of your time, emotions and energy...

 

Why should you be sharing your boyfriend with other women or men?

 

If he doesn't respect and love himself enough to realize that when he cheats, he's actually cheating himself out of having a deep, caring and loving relationship, one in which it takes great character and ingenuity (creativity) to keep alive, then he obviously won't respect and love you...stay away from him!

 

5) If he's gay (a homosexual/bisexual), leave him alone!...

 

You cannot convert him to being straight (a heterosexual)!...

 

When you get further along in the relationship, he'll only hurt you!...he's not leaving that lifestyle behind, for you...so forget him!

 

6) Re his "type":

 

Most men develop a preference for certain "types" of women, from when they're in adolescence, or a few years, post (after) adolescence.

 

Girlfriend, if he likes big, fat women with big breasts, and you're petite (small in body), don't worry...he won't be looking your way for very long...that preference has been ingrained in him from a tender age and he's probably masturbated constantly with that image in mind from adolescence, so you can't change that.

 

Just accept that fact and move on...

 

7) Stay far from any guy who has forced his girlfriend to do an abortion...he's bad news!...

 

It's an indication that he can't or will not accept responsibility for his actions!

 

Only try to forge a relationship with him, if he proves (over a long period of time) that he's changed his ways!

 

8) Stay away from guys who like being bad!...(e.g. they do drugs or gamble or drink a lot, or do evil and/or mischievous things to other people).

 

They attract evil intent and evil people (people who are just like him or worst)...and it's very hard for him to shake the "bad" lifestyle.

 

A lifestyle that he'll take into the relationship with you!...

 

A lifestyle that your children and their children, will inherit!

 

So beware!

 

Ok, so, what am I saying to our younger women out there?...stay away from guys/men?.. of course not!

 

Just stay away from guys/men whose attitudes towards life and whose actions could hurt you (now or in the future)!

 

Past behaviour is a very good indicator of present and future behaviour, so beware!

 

Your first boyfriend is usually a good indicator of future ones and eventually, your husband, so you want to choose him wisely.

 

Get to know a guy for a period of time before you start going "head over heels" for him...meaning, get to know a guy as a friend, first, before you allow yourself to fall in love with him.

 

Through friendship, you'll discover who he truly is.

 

For your first boyfriend, choose a guy who:

 

1) Can openly express his feelings (without being angry or rude) - he's a highly evolved male, as many men have difficulty with this.

 

[Please note that guys/men are not girls/women and do not express themselves in the way we do (they don't talk constantly about the same thing and they won't be touchy-feely about things), but he should be able to communicate with you, openly and honestly.

 

Additionally, you may have to train him to talk about sensitive topics...guys have very low emotional intelligence and if you want him to learn how to be sensitive to you, you may have to help him to develop these skills.

 

(Any  guy who says he wants to get in touch with your feelings is a ginal! (Jamaican, meaning, con artist!)...guys just aren't wired that way.)]

 

2) Loves himself, first - that is, he's not doing things (openly or in secret), to damage his spiritual, emotional or physical health or reputation. If he can't or doesn't love himself, he won't be able to love you.

 

3) Can love and respect you and show you this love and respect, often.

 

[If he's uncomfortable with showing affection (you'll know it by the way in which he treats those who should be close to him) and he's impolite or addresses you improperly, during your friendship...take heed!

 

...He'll bring that same attitude into your relationship...you are forewarned...run like crazy!...

 

He'll need tons of therapy to rectify this problem!]

 

4) Will give you your space to pursue your activities.

 

[(That is, he's not calling you every minute to verify that you're where you say you will be). Some guys are so insecure and suspicious, that their girlfriends can't even leave the house without them freaking out!- Avoid these guys like the plague!]

 

5) Is ambitious, for his spiritual, personal and professional development...

 

[You don't want a dead-beat around your neck...he'll choke you literally! (He won't want to see you develop either!).

 

Try to choose a guy who is constantly, and always willing, to learn about many different things in life.]

 

6) Who can be happy  with your successes and be able to comfort you during periods of pain and loss.

 

[It takes a real man to be able do this...unfortunately there are many boys, walking in men's pants, where this is concerned!]

 

7) Who will be responsible to you and who'll want a lifetime commitment to you, eventually.

 

[Please avoid guys who can't make a commitment (even after knowing you for some time) - by the way, you'll discover this early in your friendship.

 

Let him find some other girl to fool around with - don't be his fool].

 

8) Has similar values to you (you both place high value on the same things in life).

 

[This can make or break a relationship. Relationships that succeed, are those in which both parties have the same, or similar value systems.]

 

9) Has similar interests and activities, but a few different ones, than you do.

 

[This is so that you'll complement each other. (Meaning that you'll have enough in common to keep you together, but be able to pursue different interests and activities, so that you'll have lots to share with each other and so that you can learn from each other, thus making your relationship more interesting.)]

 

Hmmmmmh!!!!

 

Now, with this said... girls/women, you can't want in a boyfriend, what you don't have in yourself!

 

Let me repeat!

 

Girls/women, you can't want in a boyfriend, what you don't have in yourself!

 

So the tips I've given here, must apply to you too, so that you won't give your boyfriends, grief!

 

Enough said.

 

In closing, if you choose your first boyfriend with these things in mind, it won't eliminate heartbreak (people break up for many reasons), but it sure will minimize (reduce) it...

 

I wish you girls/women all the best in choosing boyfriends who will love and complement you!

 

I wish that your boyfriends will be able to say that you girls/women love and complement them!

 

Please let us know what you think, re what has been said, above, ok?:)

 

Thanks in advance.

 

Gillian