Silence can be a powerful ally in our relationships.
Too many people dismiss silence as being "white noise" and feel that every single moment must be taken up with conversation.
They simply miss out on one of the true wonders of life...being silent and thus being able to leverage power in any relationship and being able to think deeply about things and appreciate life to its fullest.
The following are some tips on when to be silent.
1) When you're in a heated argument and the other person won't hear your point...just stop talking.
When the other party notices that you are silent, he/she will stop talking and will more than likely ask you why you aren't responding...
Kindly let the person know that since it seems that your views aren't important to him/her, then it doesn't make sense trying to hold a conversation and that you will hold a conversation when both parties have "cooled down" and are both willing to listen to each other.
If the person insists on carrying on a monologue (one-sided conversation)...simply walk away.
2) When you get a prank call via the telephone.
As soon as you realize what the prankster is up to, just remain silent...he/she will either keep saying, "hello...are you there?" at which time you can hang-up, or will hang up after 10 seconds.
Give him/her the same response should he/she call back again. Although I can guarantee you than in 80% of the cases, the prankster will not call back.
3) When a telephone marketer calls you by telephone. If he/she asks for you or a family member and you then realize what he/she's up to and you're not interested in responding, but he/she's being very insistent...just remain silent, he/she will give you the same response as in point 2) above.
4) When your boss/supervisor is having a horrible day and is taking his/her stress out on you...
Just be silent...he/she will get out a few choice words, but will eventually stop when he/she notices that you are not responding.
He/she will then ask you why you are not responding...you can use this as an opportunity to calm him/her down and reassure him/her that everything will be ok.
You can also let him/her know that whatever problem is, that it can be better addressed, when he/she is calmer.
At that time, you can both work on a solution (or the parties that are contributories to the problem can work on a solution) that's in the best interest of the company.
If the problem is your fault, promise that you will resolve it as quickly as possible and please do so. (Only then will you be seen as being believable.)
He/she will have gained a new level of respect for you at the end of this process...(and you might even end up becoming friends)...than if you had responded negatively to the situation.
5) When your boyfriend/husband or girlfriend/wife accuses you of something that you did not do...just remain silent...he/she will ask you why you aren't responding.
Kindly let him/her know that you wanted to gather all the facts as he/she saw it and then give a response.
And now that you have gathered all the facts, you want to know if he/she has anything else to add.
Then promise him/her that you will both speak when he/she has calmed down.
Then and only then, promise to and/or do provide evidence (facts, witnesses and figures) to negate the accusation.
6) You've been asked to say something negative about someone, and you're not on a witness stand or you don't support the accusation or simply don' t see the need to be negative about the person...
Simply refuse to, remain silent and the person's accuser will get tired of trying to encourage you to do something you're opposed to doing.
7) When someone says or does something to upset you...before opening your mouth in anger..count from 1 to 10, slowly, and if that doesn't work, trying counting backwards, slowly, from 10 to 1...
This will help to calm you down and give you time to think of a response that will not incite a fight or nasty words.
8) When people you're with start to laugh at or mock someone...just be silent and when the last person has stopped laughing/making mocking remarks, ask the group.."I wonder if that had happened to any of you, if you'd have liked being responded to in the way that you just responded to that person?".
They'd probably look at you as if you were from another planet, but you'd have gained their respect.
(By the way, these are caustic people and you need to be wary of them.
If they're your friends, then honey, you're in the wrong group and you may just be caustic too...in either case, beware!)
9) One thing about us as people is that we love talking about ourselves...our life experiences, our accomplishments, etc...
On a first - third dates... always allow your date to speak...
You should try to speak about 1/3 - 1/2 of the time in which the other party is speaking...you'd have learned a lot about this person during this time period...
E.g. If the person continually talks about him/herself and doesn't ask you about you, your experiences, your thoughts about issues, etc., even when you mention that they should, then you can conclude that person is either very self-centered, shy or has been alone for so long, that he/she has forgotten to be accommodative of someone else.
If this happens on the second date, as well, then it's time for you to move on.
10) When in a minor motor vehicle accident and the other party starts cussing you out...just keep quiet, he/she will eventually stop.
Then you both exchange your papers (drivers' license, insurance, motor vehicle fitness certificate) so that you both can record each other's personal and contact details; and the vehicle particulars (e.g. license no., vehicle registration number, who the vehicle is registered to; if the license, insurance and fitness are current) then you both drive to the nearest police station to report the accident.
Your insurance company also advises that you never admit liability (that you were wrong)...so please shut up!!!...if it becomes an insurance matter, they will do the necessary investigations and hence determine liability.
(By the way...this holds true for Jamaica. This will however, differ, depending on the country you're in.)
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To be continued in June.
Gillian